Ever since the poster incident, I stopped posting personal things on here. I just didn’t want to open myself up to criticism or more backlash. It’s been almost a year of just keeping my blog fandom only. But honestly, there are times like tonight when I just want to write my feelings out. Get support from people that I don’t have to hide things from. I had a great weekend and a not too bad day today. But here I sit at 11pm alone at home filled with sadness. And it’s the same sadness that has filled my heart for two years now. And I know how to fix it. But it’s overwhelming. And I keep failing. And my dreams keep seeming father and farther away because of it. The days slip by and I don’t work to make any progress. It’s already almost the middle of March. I know I just need to take it all one day at a time. The days start good… and then as it goes on it’s easier to talk myself into failure. When will the cycle stop? Why is this so hard?
The next time you feel down, just remember that Bruce Banner tried to kill himself and Tony Stark has anxiety attacks, and they’ve both saved the world. You will be okay.
This legitimately makes me feel better
On this new journey, I have been struggling with my self confidence. The weight gain had really wrecked me. But I have been working really hard, both physically and mentally. Saying yes instead of no, fighting my fears. Put myself into my grad school work, getting myself back out into the community with PFLAG and doing They Said every week. I haven’t been hiding as much, and forcing myself to go out when I want to just stay home. This week I went to an interview for this job I really wanted. I was feeling confident, and they called me an hour after I left to hire me. I see the wonderful things coming back to me, as I put positivity out into the universe.
I took this picture on Friday night after I got home from celebrating my birthday with Benny and Rick. And I actually feel confident enough to post it. It’s a step. I’ll get there.
This is a picture of me when I was about 3 years old. My Mom just uploaded it to Facebook and I immediately made it my profile picture. Look at my face. I was silly, and carefree and HAPPY. That is what I want to be today. Tomorrow. For the rest of my life. I want to be a version my younger self, before I let stress and anxiety control my mind. Did this Courtney care if she was fat? No. Did this Courtney worry what people thought of her before she walked into a store? No. Was this Courtney afraid to dance? To sing? No.
This is who I want to be, again.
I fight my fear…. I went to the gym. It was hard. But once I got in I was okay. Small steps.
“Not Everything is About You”
This is me. I need to remember this when I go out. Deep down, I know it. But there are so many times when my mind is clouded and I don’t want to leave the house for fear of what people think of me.
It’s 12:45am and I am about to go to bed, I have been waiting for this new pumpkin bar recipe I am trying to come out of the oven and it just did. But anyway…
I started last Friday seeing a “Nutritional Coach”. I decided not to go through my doctor’s office because they wanted me to take group weight management classes… um… for someone with social anxiety that revolves around their weight, that is a death sentence. So I looked someone else up and here I am. Friday was my first official meeting with her and I left feeling very happy and excited for the future. We talked about the importance of leafy greens and how we can add them into our everyday meals. She even gave me a special leafy greens cookbook. I really like her approach to everything because she knows that there are emotions involved with food and bad habits. She believes everything needs to be fun and we need to be happy. And since I have left, I have not stressed about food. She told me to chew slowly, and chew each bite at least 20 times. And when I am full, it’s ok to stop and not finish everything on my plate. That is something that I am so bad at. I feel like I don’t want to waste any food. So many tips to help me from doing that. I have been in the kitchen everyday cooking, and also making sure that my kitchen is clean. I used to stress about the kitchen all the time. I hated doing the dishes and they would pile up. I would feel overwhelmed cooking and so I wouldn’t. All these bad habits that I have to work on in order to have a healthy relationship with food. Because even though I want weight loss, there is so much more to it. So, so much more. So I am taking baby steps.
One of the other things she is helping me work on is how to get my exercise in everyday. I told her about the gym and how it causes me anxiety now, and she said thats ok then don’t go. So I am on a mission to find exercise that I enjoy. I told her that I love to be outdoors. I am going to look up some places to hike around San Diego and try them out. I do miss TKB classes, and maybe one day I will go back. But for now, I am going to explore other options and see what I like.
i start my new job on Monday. I am excited for the new adventure. I am excited that I will be active and out of the house. I am excited that I won’t be sitting at home eating all day.
I am nervous about the other teachers, will they like me? I am nervous about the parents, will they like me? I am nervous about the kids, will they like me?
I am scared about working full time again. I haven’t worked full time in years. It will be long days. I hope that I can come home and cook dinner and keep the house clean like I have been doing since being off work.
I am a little unsure about my sleep schedule. Since being off work I have been staying up late (let’s be honest, I did this when I was working) only being off work allowed me to sleep in until 9am everyday. Not anymore.
But it’s good. It’s all very good.
I will have a routine. I will be active. I will be eating better by packing my lunch everyday. I will concentrate on my health and weight loss. And I know once I get in the swing of it all, the days and weeks will fly by. And hopefully the weight will start falling off.
So fucking tired of being fat and my damn clothes not fitting. I want my thin face back.
Ah, I did not forget. It has just taken two full days to get my shit together as my Laptop is full and can’t record any new video or pictures.
Here are my NEW “Starting Weight Pictures”. I felt weird taking these again since I have taken them in the past.. Whatever. That’s in the past. This is now. Weight at weigh-in yesterday morning was 278.0. Only 11.5bs away from my highest weight of 289.5. Let the new journey begin.
Finishing packing and getting ready for my trip to North Carolina with my Mom. I am trying to relax, think of it as a vacation. Yet I am stressed because I want to drop a few lbs on the vacation, and I am worried about my group getting their shit together for the Amazing High Heel Race when I get back in town. OMG. I need to relax. I wish I had a pill. NO. I haven’t taken anxiety meds in so long. I can do this on my own. Breathe.