Ever since the poster incident, I stopped posting personal things on here. I just didn’t want to open myself up to criticism or more backlash. It’s been almost a year of just keeping my blog fandom only. But honestly, there are times like tonight when I just want to write my feelings out. Get support from people that I don’t have to hide things from. I had a great weekend and a not too bad day today. But here I sit at 11pm alone at home filled with sadness. And it’s the same sadness that has filled my heart for two years now. And I know how to fix it. But it’s overwhelming. And I keep failing. And my dreams keep seeming father and farther away because of it. The days slip by and I don’t work to make any progress. It’s already almost the middle of March. I know I just need to take it all one day at a time. The days start good… and then as it goes on it’s easier to talk myself into failure. When will the cycle stop? Why is this so hard?
Ah, I did not forget. It has just taken two full days to get my shit together as my Laptop is full and can’t record any new video or pictures.
Here are my NEW “Starting Weight Pictures”. I felt weird taking these again since I have taken them in the past.. Whatever. That’s in the past. This is now. Weight at weigh-in yesterday morning was 278.0. Only 11.5bs away from my highest weight of 289.5. Let the new journey begin.
I was just going through my Archive… looking at my posts from last year… my progress photos and weigh ins. It was all so exciting. One of the reasons that I don’t post that stuff anymore (well, I havent made any progress) is because I feel so stupid that I have to do it all again. I already posted these photos and progress, and now it’s all gone and I have to redo it. It’s embarrassing. I feel like a failure.
Truth is, THAT feeling… is what is holding me back from doing it again and going farther this time. My embarrassment and feeling ashamed has kept me from going out of the house while not having a job. Hiding in my house is safe. No one has to see how fat I have gotten ( about 13lbs away from my starting weight… eeek.) I have been avoiding social situations like the plague. I was just texting my friend Andy last night about this. I really wish I could see her more, I miss her.
I need to stop hiding.
I need to stop hiding.
I need to stop hiding.
I need to stop hiding.
Ok, I gained the weight back. There is nothing I can do about that but move forward. It happened. It happens to a lot of people. My life changed last year. My routine was rocked and I didn’t now how to keep up my weight loss with the changes. People know that my life changed. I need to not be afraid that people are going to judge me because I gained the weight back. Ok… If they do, ok. Because my thoughts about this are the only ones that matter… (talking myself through this as I type)… If I continue to hide and be depressed, I will never get myself out of this. I will never lose the weight and get my body ready to try for a baby next year. My social anxiety is about as high as it was before I started taking medication back in 2006. I need to tackle it. I need to stop being so afraid. I am stronger than that and I know it. I know it.
So I have to dive in to this head on. Do the things I am afraid to do. Go out and see people I have been afraid to see. Take progress photos and post them here. Take a photo of the scale and post it. Make a YouTube video. I have to face my fears. And then, I can move forward.
New body shot / face progress picture on Monday. Youtube video. Photo of the scale. All on Monday. Gotta do this. I will face the embarrassment so that I can move forward.
Jason Mraz | Make It Mine
It’s been a rough couple of days… I can see that the weight gain has affected my hormones again. I used to have really, really, bad PMS… it went away when I lost weight. But now the weight is back, and the anxiety/depressed feelings were really heavy this cycle. I knew what the feelings were from, but it’s still hard to think about that when you are having thoughts of hurting yourself or not wanting to exist anymore. I woke up this morning feeling a lot better. My cycle must be almost over. I was about to turn on my “feeling sad” playlist on iTunes which is essentially songs that make me ever sadder…. but then I clicked on my Jason Mraz playlist… and this song came on… and… He is right. I have to make it mine. I have so many awesome things going on for me. I have to think positive, and work hard to lose this weight. My weight is currently the only thing I am self conscious about. If I can tackle that, I will be unstoppable. I am stronger than these feelings. I know I am. Thank you Jason for reminding me. You have always been so special to Gary and I… I should have come to you sooner.
Earlier after my PFLAG board meeting I met up with Benny and Rick and had dinner. While we were talking something came up where I started searching through my Facebook photos on my phone. I was showing them old photos of Gary and I and they noticed how much rounder my face was around the time I got married. The funny thing is that I am back to that weight now, even a little heavier. I guess when I regained the weight it distributed itself a little differently, because my face is definitely a different shape than it was. But then we were looking at more recent photos from last year and I saw this one from our San Diego Remembers Matthew Shepard event last year, one year ago… and this year’s event is 3 weeks away.
Who the fuck is that girl? I was so fucking small, holy shit. And the funny thing that I remember, is that I still felt so fat. My stomach hung over my pants, and my lower stomach area was starting to droop and I was really, really self conscious about it. And now, God…. I would give anything to be back there. Look at me. Look. I can’t stop looking. My neck, my face… everything.
Here’s my latest YouTube update video. Nothing new if you read my blog.
Where to start… where to begin… I don’t really know, so I will just type. It might be random, but I am.
I spent all weekend thinking and evaluating the past few months of my life. And I realized that I am tired. I’m exhausted. I have been beaten down, mentally and emotionally and the person who has done this is someone very close to me. Someone I know very well. Someone who is supposed to love me, and care about me. Someone who is supposed to cheer me on and pick me up when I fall. But they have failed. And it makes me so sad. And it has to stop now.
That person is me.
I have so cruel to myself since my weight gain at the end of last year/beginning of this year. It happens. I know this. This was the first time I had ever been successful in losing a lot of weight. I was so proud of myself. And my confidence was the highest I had ever felt it. Things changed in my life. My whole social life did a 180 and I was not on the same schedule that I was before. And that is something that happens in life what we have to deal with, change. I do not regret for one minute leaving my former group of friends. Even though I led a more active lifestyle while I was with them, my beliefs and my heart are more important to me.
I had found what worked for me in my weight loss, and once the change came, I took a few turns and got lost. I let the weight gain put me into a vicious cycle of tearing myself down for gaining the weight, and the self medicating by binging and falling into my old unhealthy habits, which lead to more weight gain. Vicious cycle that I knew all too well. It lead to a lot of anxiety and depression. I was making excuses for my unhealthy eating, my sneaking food. And it just turned into something that I felt that I could not control. I have never felt depression like I have the last three months of my life. And the only one to blame for that, is myself. I have such a great system of support with Gary, my family and my amazing friends. Everyone loves me so much. And the only one who has been making me feel so awful for gaining weight, was me. I was blaming my depression on all of these bad things that had been happening… not meeting Adam Lambert, not getting accepted into Leadership Academy, having a super stressful job… But let’s face it. No one can control your happiness…. but you.
It has taken me a long time to own up to that. And a long time to realize that enough is enough.
I don’t want to be depressed anymore. I don’t want to be sad. I don’t want to waste my money on self medicating with fast food. I don’t want to always feel angry and take it out on those around me. I feel so bad for Gary and for Benny. Ah, Benny. He gets the butt of my anger a lot. And yet, he still loves me as a friend and he still wants to be my friend. He stills offers to help me every chance he gets. Doesn’t that say something about him? Shouldn’t I treat him better? And Gary. He always gives me the best advice and I never take it. I am not always nice to him or the best wife that I can be, and yet he is still an amazing husband and loves me with everything that he is. But I ready to fix that.
I also don’t want to feel so awful, physically. I have not been taking care of myself at all. I have not been getting enough sleep. I have not been eating healthy. I have not been working out. I gained close to 40lbs since the end of last year. That’s…. a lot. And I can feel it. At my lowest and most physically fit last July I was 223lbs and I felt amazing. I was fitting into a size 18/20 and I could do an hour of Turbo Kick and another cardio class right after and I would keep up just fine. Now playing with the kids at work gets me winded. My clothes don’t fit. And I feel so ugly. Even when I have my cutest dress on, adorable shoes and my hair and make-up are perfect… I am still self conscious and I feel unattractive. Even though I get attention from people when I go out, friends, even strangers compliment me. On Saturday at Improv one of the players on the stage was pretending to have a thing for me during the show. My face is so much prettier when it’s slimmer. I used to have some cheekbones coming in! And my cheeks weren’t so puffy and my eyes didn’t squint so much when I smile. Over the course of the last year I have discovered a style that I love and that I feel comfortable wearing. But it is so much better when my clothes fit and I am confident.
I got a grip this weekend. I figured this all out. And it all makes sense. And I feel that my brain is clear. I am not going to continue to beat myself up over the past. It’s in the past, what can I do about it now? Nothing except move forward. I need to stop being afraid. I need to stop blaming everything else except myself. I need to take responsibility. I need to take action. I know that I have a lot of healing to do. I know it will not happen overnight. And that it’s going to take time and patience. I will not lose weight like I did last year. Things are different now, and that’s ok. As long as I am working in the right direction, and I know that mistakes will happen and to pick myself up and keep going…. I will be ok.
Deep down, I do like me. I actually love me. I know I am not perfect and I never will be. I have a loud, obnoxious laugh. I am the most unorganized person in the world. I am messy. I get obsessive. I am eccentric. I’m easily distracted. I’m lazy. I am awkward. But I know that I am a good person. I am loyal. I am funny. I have a good heart. I stand up for what I believe in. I like that I am eccentric. I like that I am awkward. I know that I can accomplish anything that I want to.
I am ready to get back to taking care of me. I am ready to start losing weight again. I am ready to exercise again. I am ready to be healthy. No more excuses, because there are none. I have no excuse. The depression… I am so done with it. I don’t like that Courtney.
I like this Courtney.
Honestly… one of the happiest times of my life. And this is when I was at my lowest.
I know I will find that Courtney again. She is just being difficult. But I am ready to bring her back.
I am going to be changing my blog a little. Taking some things down, and putting up some new things. Thanks for all the support. Good things are coming. I am excited.