this line just really means a lot to me.
“But you’re not fat, don’t say that,” he responded.
Tell that to the hips that got caught in a turnstile yesterday and everyday that she forgets to turn sideways. Tell that to the stores that stop at size 12 (or size 10 if she wanted to look her age). Tell that to the small woman rolling her eyes beside me on the subway as my booty spills over into her seat. Tell that to the holes my inner thighs have rubbed into every pair of jeans I own. Tell that to the rolls on my back & the crevices in my ass.
Tell that to the silence at the end of your sentence that should say “because fat people are ugly, because if I think you’re attractive you can’t be fat because I’m saving fat to degrade a woman two sizes smaller than you but with a flatter chest & a spare tire. Because you’re not fat is a compliment even when it’s not true because what I’m really saying is you don’t repulse me the way fat people are supposed to repulse me. Because I get final say on your body, not you & I’m giving you a pass for the same dimpled ass I laughed at on another woman yesterday because your waistline is smaller than hers and a normal woman would just be happy with that.”"
“Not Everything is About You”
This is me. I need to remember this when I go out. Deep down, I know it. But there are so many times when my mind is clouded and I don’t want to leave the house for fear of what people think of me.
Ah, I did not forget. It has just taken two full days to get my shit together as my Laptop is full and can’t record any new video or pictures.
Here are my NEW “Starting Weight Pictures”. I felt weird taking these again since I have taken them in the past.. Whatever. That’s in the past. This is now. Weight at weigh-in yesterday morning was 278.0. Only 11.5bs away from my highest weight of 289.5. Let the new journey begin.
Earlier after my PFLAG board meeting I met up with Benny and Rick and had dinner. While we were talking something came up where I started searching through my Facebook photos on my phone. I was showing them old photos of Gary and I and they noticed how much rounder my face was around the time I got married. The funny thing is that I am back to that weight now, even a little heavier. I guess when I regained the weight it distributed itself a little differently, because my face is definitely a different shape than it was. But then we were looking at more recent photos from last year and I saw this one from our San Diego Remembers Matthew Shepard event last year, one year ago… and this year’s event is 3 weeks away.
Who the fuck is that girl? I was so fucking small, holy shit. And the funny thing that I remember, is that I still felt so fat. My stomach hung over my pants, and my lower stomach area was starting to droop and I was really, really self conscious about it. And now, God…. I would give anything to be back there. Look at me. Look. I can’t stop looking. My neck, my face… everything.
I weighed in this morning, finishing out my week down 9.7 lbs. I worked really hard. Stayed on track all week, no binges. Stayed in control. Feel good. Today is our cheat day. California burritos for breakfast, candy at the movies, (The Avengers, AWESOME. I Love Tony Stark), finishing Benny’s cupcakes and we are ending the night with Olive Garden. Then back on track tomorrow. I am feeling good. It’s helping having Gary on the journey with me. I know that the weight is not going to keep coming off so fast. But I have 10 weeks to lose a little over 27lbs… I can do that. I feel like I will get to my goal of 230lbs by July 20. Only 27.4lbs to go. I will start adding some exercise in this week. Starting slow. Walking. Workout DVDs at home.
I’m excited to see what happens over the next few weeks!
Here’s my latest YouTube update video. Nothing new if you read my blog.
I got quite a few messages asking me about the app from the photo I posted this morning of my weight. We have a WiFi scale at our house. After I weigh myself on it, it connects to the app on my phone and logs all my info. It’s pretty awesome. I can hold it sideways and look at a line graph of my progress over the weeks/months and it saves every weigh in everyday.