i start my new job on Monday.  I am excited for the new adventure.  I am excited that I will be active and out of the house.  I am excited that I won’t be sitting at home eating all day.

I am nervous about the other teachers, will they like me?  I am nervous about the parents, will they like me?  I am nervous about the kids, will they like me?

I am scared about working full time again.  I haven’t worked full time in years.  It will be long days.  I hope that I can come home and cook dinner and keep the house clean like I have been doing since being off work.

I am a little unsure about my sleep schedule.  Since being off work I have been staying up late (let’s be honest, I did this when I was working) only being off work allowed me to sleep in until 9am everyday.  Not anymore.

But it’s good.  It’s all very good.

I will have a routine.  I will be active.  I will be eating better by packing my lunch everyday.  I will concentrate on my health and weight loss.  And I know once I get in the swing of it all, the days and weeks will fly by.  And hopefully the weight will start falling off. 

So fucking tired of being fat and my damn clothes not fitting.  I want my thin face back.

2nd interview tomorrow.  Really hoping I get that job!!! I need to get back to a routine.  It’s funny because at the beginning of the summer, I was so excited to have the summer off… but then I had no motivation to do anything.  Other than my volunteering, I sat on my butt and watched TV all day and ate horrible food and gained more weight.  I really want this job.  The facility is wonderful, the staff were all lovely, and the benefits and perks of the job are awesome.  I would be packing my lunch everyday, so no more fast food.  Not even temptation.  It will be nice to have money again.  Gary and I are fine and he makes plenty of money to support us, but there isn’t extra money for me to spend on things for the house or myself.  It will be nice to have that extra money again.  I am excited for what is to come if I get this job.  *Crossing my fingers*

I have been job hunting for awhile now, looking for Full-Time, higher end pay for my field, jobs.  Career jobs.  It’s funny that I have always just considered myself as working towards the goal of a career.  I quit my job a few months ago after graduating from college… and now is the time to find that career.  That Full-Time, high paying job.

I’m stressing myself out, when all around me I am being shown that THAT (a full-time high paying job that I might not enjoy) might NOT be what I need…

I have always been enamored with the idea of finding your happiness and doing that… even if it means making no money.

Why do I feel the need to find this full-time high paying job?  Because I am a college graduate?

So.What.

Don’t I want to be happy?

Something that has been working a lot lately with how I think about myself, is thinking of myself as a friend or a loved one.  Like in 3rd person.

What would I want for a loved one?  Would I want them to be happy?  What advice would I give them?  Would I tell them, “Well you have a degree now so you need to make a lot of money.”  Or would I tell them, “Follow your heart?”

This new way of thinking about myself is blowing my mind.  And it’s making everything seem… right.  And I can actually feel my stress…. flowing… away.

So.

Here I am.  Home from a weekend at Disneyland.  It was a wonderful weekend.  Gary and I had a lot of fun.  My anxiety was pretty good until my last pair of shorts ripped in the thigh and gave me the worst thigh chub rub chaffing EVER.  I got all upset about how none of my clothes fit, and how crappy about myself I feel.  Gary and I had a good talk about how to get myself motivated and back on track.  The crappy thing is that since I don’t have a job, we don’t have a lot of extra money.  It’s all a vicious cycle.  It always is.  So I figured out what I need to do to get out of the cycle.  Get a job.  Duh.  But I am anxious about getting a job because I feel really insecure about my weight.  The weight will take some time, but there are other things I can work on in the mean-time.  I am a member of a Babysitting site where parents can look up sitters.  I just updated all my info and changed my email settings so I get notifications when parents post jobs.  While I am applying for jobs, I will try to make some money on the side.  I also need to get my hair done.  My roots are insane and my ends are fried.  I want it cut off.  It’s making me insane.  I know it will make me feel a little better to get my hair done.  So I am going to try to do that.  I am going to keep up the clean-eating and working out. I had a good system going before Disneyland.  Now there is nothing coming up to throw me off track.  

I just applied for two jobs right now.  I am going to keep applying and keep working on myself.  It’s all about self-improvement right now.

I just got an email that said I didn’t move on in the application process for that job :-(

{GIF of someone adorable crying…}

# job# sad

So I wasn’t planning on looking for a new job until August/mid summer… before the new school year started.  But I just found a job opening that is perfect for me, what I wanted and I have all the qualifications… And the application period ends tomorrow….

I have never been one of those people that just leaves people hanging at a job… but I have to do what is right for me… right?  I’m applying.  

Summer Camp

I just submitted two applications for Summer Camp positions. I have two more I want to apply to. All ate YMCA affiliated. I worked at the YMCA for 2 years. I hope that helps my chances. I feel so stupid when it asks me what skills I have that are good for summer camp, I don’t know what to say. I guess I could lie. I’m not good at sports, but I can play. I’m not good at singing, but I can lead group songs. I’ve never done drama before, but I’ve always wanted to try. We will see what happens. I want this really badly.