This is the key to breaking my social anxiety cycle. If I let it get to me and I stay home today, it’s that much harder to leave the house tomorrow.
This blog has not been personal for me for quite a while now… it’s basically turned into a shrine to psychopaths and cupcakes. Perfect.
But there have been times, usually when I am really down, when I want to write… I need to journal and I want to share my thoughts. Last night I was driving home from my Mom’s house… a 3 hour drive to San Diego… and I did a lot of thinking. And I wish I had pulled over to write it down, or made a voice memo. I felt such a sense of clarity about my life. And it felt so good. I felt so happy and grateful. I know I won’t remember all of it now, it’s been almost 24 hours since that car ride. But I am going to try. Here I go.
nothing worse than your social anxiety getting mistaken for rudeness
“Not Everything is About You”
This is me. I need to remember this when I go out. Deep down, I know it. But there are so many times when my mind is clouded and I don’t want to leave the house for fear of what people think of me.
Last night was a learning experience. I stepped out of my comfort zone of hiding in my house, had some anxiety in the beginning, but Gary and I went to a friend’s house for his birthday. I did some observations while there of the other party goers and myself. And I learned quite a bit. In the end, there was nothing to be afraid of and I am going to be ok. Better than ok. I’m going to be great.
I was just going through my Archive… looking at my posts from last year… my progress photos and weigh ins. It was all so exciting. One of the reasons that I don’t post that stuff anymore (well, I havent made any progress) is because I feel so stupid that I have to do it all again. I already posted these photos and progress, and now it’s all gone and I have to redo it. It’s embarrassing. I feel like a failure.
Truth is, THAT feeling… is what is holding me back from doing it again and going farther this time. My embarrassment and feeling ashamed has kept me from going out of the house while not having a job. Hiding in my house is safe. No one has to see how fat I have gotten ( about 13lbs away from my starting weight… eeek.) I have been avoiding social situations like the plague. I was just texting my friend Andy last night about this. I really wish I could see her more, I miss her.
I need to stop hiding.
I need to stop hiding.
I need to stop hiding.
I need to stop hiding.
Ok, I gained the weight back. There is nothing I can do about that but move forward. It happened. It happens to a lot of people. My life changed last year. My routine was rocked and I didn’t now how to keep up my weight loss with the changes. People know that my life changed. I need to not be afraid that people are going to judge me because I gained the weight back. Ok… If they do, ok. Because my thoughts about this are the only ones that matter… (talking myself through this as I type)… If I continue to hide and be depressed, I will never get myself out of this. I will never lose the weight and get my body ready to try for a baby next year. My social anxiety is about as high as it was before I started taking medication back in 2006. I need to tackle it. I need to stop being so afraid. I am stronger than that and I know it. I know it.
So I have to dive in to this head on. Do the things I am afraid to do. Go out and see people I have been afraid to see. Take progress photos and post them here. Take a photo of the scale and post it. Make a YouTube video. I have to face my fears. And then, I can move forward.
New body shot / face progress picture on Monday. Youtube video. Photo of the scale. All on Monday. Gotta do this. I will face the embarrassment so that I can move forward.
Day… 4? I guess. Ha.
The scale was up again this morning. Gary’s mom had some emergency surgery last night so we were at the hospital and ate some Mexican food from a shop near by. Other than that, I ate clean all day yesterday, but I wasn’t active at all. I sat on the computer and looked up jobs like all day. Time just flew by. So I took action and put my work out clothes on and did Jillian’s 30 Day Shred. It was the hardest workout I have ever done, not because it’s hard, but because I am so out of shape. It was really upsetting. I had to talk to myself almost the whole work out and tell myself not to give up, and keep going. And that I know the first workout is the hardest and the first few weeks are going to be hard and I have done it before and I know it will get easier. I can’t give up. I have to keep working. And eventually, I got through the work out. Sweating buckets, but I did it. And tomorrow, I will do it again. And again and again and get my body back in shape. It will be hard, but it’s all in the mind. And I like to think that I am a strong person. And I know I can do this.
With this weight gain, I am dealing with a lot of self esteem issues. Anxiety. Social anxiety. I have dealt with my social anxiety for years. Taking medication for it about 6 years ago. Weaning off, and then realizing that doctors are right! Exercise and sleep help my anxiety immensely. Losing the weight, my self esteem went up and the social anxiety went away. Since my anxiety revolves around my weight, it only makes sense that it would go away as the weight went away. And it makes sense that now that I have gained most of the weight back, the anxiety is back as well. I was able to deal with it for a long time. Telling myself that even though I was fat, I was still a good person and people would see that and not judge me on my weight. And I know deep down that it’s still true. And that I don’t even want to be friends with people who would judge me on my weight. But. It’s so hard right now. Even getting ready to go out to events. I have purposely, because I don’t feel confident, missed quite a few events in the past few weeks. And it’s no excuse. But I don’t even want to leave the house it’s that bad. I don’t feel comfortable in any of my clothes because they don’t fit. I went out last week and my picture was taken and I looked so gross. I wanted to cry.
I know it’s not going to get better, hiding in the house. I need to get out there. Be social. It’s going to be baby steps. But I will get there. I have so many things coming up… CityFest this weekend, going to Disneyland with Gary next weekend for our anniversary, San Diego Remembers Matthew Shepard, Palm Springs Pride, etc. Not including any and all events when I have to represent PFLAG San Diego now that I am on the board. One day at a time.
I stayed up way too late tonight…. lots on my mind, couldn’t wind down to go to sleep. All good things though. I am in a happy place. I am moving in the right direction. Tonight we went to a reception for one of Gary’s friends who got married. I was dressed cute and of course didn’t take a picture (doh!). But I was very social and talked to a lot of people I have never met and it wasnt awkward. I had a good time. I hope Gary was proud of me.
I’m going to start this new project where I post a picture of myself a day and I will be holding up a sign with a message… whether it’s how I am feeling, what I am doing, a quote… whatever. I don’t know why. I just think it’s another way to share my feelings on my blog.
Here’s the first one. I’m happy. And I am sending good thoughts and vibes to Chris Colfer tomorrow for the Emmys. Whether he wins or loses, I am so damn proud of him all the same. Good night.
Your score was 51.
Scores in the 51 - 68 range indicate very severe Social Anxiety.