On this new journey, I have been struggling with my self confidence. The weight gain had really wrecked me. But I have been working really hard, both physically and mentally. Saying yes instead of no, fighting my fears. Put myself into my grad school work, getting myself back out into the community with PFLAG and doing They Said every week. I haven’t been hiding as much, and forcing myself to go out when I want to just stay home. This week I went to an interview for this job I really wanted. I was feeling confident, and they called me an hour after I left to hire me. I see the wonderful things coming back to me, as I put positivity out into the universe.
I took this picture on Friday night after I got home from celebrating my birthday with Benny and Rick. And I actually feel confident enough to post it. It’s a step. I’ll get there.
On Friday night I went with a friend to a Ladies Night with a life coach. We did some goal exercises, guided meditation and at the end we made vision boards for 2013. My main focuses this year are going to be, accepting myself and loving myself, exercise and healthy eating, having an awesome summer and…. getting pregnant.
Weight Loss Update
So, I was going to update last Friday but I woke up to my monthly gift from Mother Nature, thanks bitch. So I skipped the weigh in, and basically skipped life for the next 5 days. I remembered what my doctor had said about staying away from sugar and salt during my PMS/period and I did okay. I did make myself a few brownies in a mug… But I mostly ate at home and when I didn’t I made good choices. I didn’t exercise much though.
So I weighed in this morning, 3 weeks since my “starting” weigh in, which was exactly my original starting weight. I am pleased with the results. I know if I were exercising more this past week it might have been lower. My birthday is on February 7, and I would like to be down to 274 by then. That’s my first short term goal.
My last appointment with my Nutritional Coach was on December 28, so about a week and a half ago. I see her again on Friday. I am going to make my meeting days, my weigh in days. I was so upset on December 28th, because when I weighed in I had hit… the weight that scared me so bad. My original starting weight. I could not believe that I had gained every single pound I had lost in 2011, back. It really shattered me. But I am glad that I had my meeting right after that. I came home feeling like this is going to get better and I can do this. It’s all in the mind. And even though I am starting, again, at my original starting weight, I am done beating myself up. Can only move forward from here.
I made a weekly workout schedule - M+W - Yoga, T+Th - Kickboxing, F - Hiking or walking, and Saturday is walking with my friend Jennifer at the bay. I will probably switch things around as I go, but for now this works. I did yoga yesterday for the first time in probably over a year. Oh. My. God. My arms are so sore, I was sweating so bad. Can’t wait for tomorrow to do it again!
I have been cooking almost every day and eating almost 100% clean, which hasn’t been as hard as I thought it would be.
I will do another weight loss update on Friday after my meeting. Crossing my fingers for a loss, but if I don’t screw things up, there will be.
Okay Biggest Loser.
I quit watching this show a few seasons ago. I used to watch it in the beginning because it motivated me. But then I realized that it’s not healthy, they arent eating enough calories, they are working out 5 hours a day, they are dehydrating themselves. I don’t know. I know how these people feel. I know what it feels like to be obese. And all you want to to lose weight. But I just… have the hardest time wrapping my brain around watching this show for motivation. It just makes me upset. And yet, I have it on right now. And I’m angry. Everyone I know is so excited for the show. I want to be excited too. But you know I hate following the crowd. We will see if I continue to watch.
EDIT: I will say this… I love Before and Afters. I LOVE seeing how the body changes from weight loss. I LOVE seeing the face change. You can end up looking like a completely different person. It’s so amazing. That is what I want to see. That is why I want to watch.
I fucking love that moment lmao.
I fight my fear…. I went to the gym. It was hard. But once I got in I was okay. Small steps.
“Not Everything is About You”
This is me. I need to remember this when I go out. Deep down, I know it. But there are so many times when my mind is clouded and I don’t want to leave the house for fear of what people think of me.
It’s 12:45am and I am about to go to bed, I have been waiting for this new pumpkin bar recipe I am trying to come out of the oven and it just did. But anyway…
I started last Friday seeing a “Nutritional Coach”. I decided not to go through my doctor’s office because they wanted me to take group weight management classes… um… for someone with social anxiety that revolves around their weight, that is a death sentence. So I looked someone else up and here I am. Friday was my first official meeting with her and I left feeling very happy and excited for the future. We talked about the importance of leafy greens and how we can add them into our everyday meals. She even gave me a special leafy greens cookbook. I really like her approach to everything because she knows that there are emotions involved with food and bad habits. She believes everything needs to be fun and we need to be happy. And since I have left, I have not stressed about food. She told me to chew slowly, and chew each bite at least 20 times. And when I am full, it’s ok to stop and not finish everything on my plate. That is something that I am so bad at. I feel like I don’t want to waste any food. So many tips to help me from doing that. I have been in the kitchen everyday cooking, and also making sure that my kitchen is clean. I used to stress about the kitchen all the time. I hated doing the dishes and they would pile up. I would feel overwhelmed cooking and so I wouldn’t. All these bad habits that I have to work on in order to have a healthy relationship with food. Because even though I want weight loss, there is so much more to it. So, so much more. So I am taking baby steps.
One of the other things she is helping me work on is how to get my exercise in everyday. I told her about the gym and how it causes me anxiety now, and she said thats ok then don’t go. So I am on a mission to find exercise that I enjoy. I told her that I love to be outdoors. I am going to look up some places to hike around San Diego and try them out. I do miss TKB classes, and maybe one day I will go back. But for now, I am going to explore other options and see what I like.